Tales from the Other Side of the Looking Glass

Stand Still, Look Pretty
The Wreckers

I want to paint my face
And pretend that I am someone else
Sometimes I get so fed up
I don't even want to look at myself

But people have problems that are worse than mine
I don't want you to think I'm complaining all the time
And I hate the way you look at me I have to say
I wish I could start over

[Chorus]
I am slowly falling apart
I wish you'd take a walk in my shoes for a start
You might think it's easy being me
You just stand still, look pretty

Sometimes I find myself shaking
In the middle of the night
And then it hits me and I can't
Even believe this is my life

But people have problems that are worse than mine
I don't want you to think I'm complaining all the time
And I wish that everyone would go and shut their mouths
I'm not strong enough to deal with it

"Every meal is a new meal and every day a new day."

I need to remember that. So I screwed up once today. That doesn't mean my whole day is fucked.

I can do this. I can.

I'm trying desperately to stick to my meal plan today and it's really fucking tough. It seems like so much food to keep down. Every day my minimum is:
6 proteins, 3 milks, 7-8 grains, 2-3 veggies, 3-4 fruits, 4 added fats (yikes!) and 1 dessert.

Which really isn't a TON of food per say. Except that if it's fat free, it doesn't count, and if it's lowfat, I have to eat twice the amount for it to count (aka 2 tablespoons full fat dressing=4 Tablespoons light dressing: Ick! That is way too much dressing.

I tried a new breakfast today: a bowl of cinnamon roll oatmeal  (1 grain) and a cup of melon (1 fruit), along with my morning glass of chocolate soy milk (1 milk).

Snack was part of a huge cookie that I split with my co-workers (1 fat).

Lunch is killing me. 3oz chicken breast (3 protein), 1 C. whole wheat couscous (1 grain), 1 pita (1 grain), 1/4 c. hummus (1 fat), 1 C. Vegetables (1 veggie), 1 fruit cup (1 fruit), and 1 yogurt (1 milk). I feel ready to burst. I have a sinking suspicion that I won't be shitting for a while. Rarg. That's what sucks. Everytime I fuck up and b/p it's like starting over from scratch with my digestive system. I can already feel my stomach starting to cramp up. Gas-ex is the name of the game, or I'll be miserable the rest of the day.

STUPID! I should have split it up throughout the day. I feel a little like death. Rarg.

EDNOS
12: Decide I'm fat. Buy my first diet book, start eating 600 calories a day.
12: Shoplift diet pills
13: Lose thirty pounds over the summer by cutting back to 200 calories a day.
13: Start high school
14: Continue restricting, begin overexercising
15:  Begin string of bad relationships, lose all friends
16: Begin dating high school sweet heart; weight gain begins.
COE
17: Sexually assaulted: begin eating ridiculous amounts, binging.
18: Start college: High weight 215lbs.
EDNOS:
19: Transfer schools. Go from 205 lbs to 148 in 4 months through diet pills, restrictive dieting, overexercising.
COE:
19: Meet ex-fiancee: Start gaining weight again.
20: Fiancee and I break up the first time. Begin binging again.
20: Get re-engaged to fiancee.
21: Second highest weight: 195lbs.
Bulimia
21: Begin purging.
21: Fiancee dumps me. Begin purging more. Diet pills, laxative abuse.
22: Begin Binging purging 4-5 times a day.
22: Quit using diet pills. Reach low weight of 128--lost almost 70 lbs in less a year.
22: Begin recovery process.

I can't fucking believe I've had some form of an eating disorder for 10 fucking years. No wonder recovery is so damned hard. Sigh.

I've done well today, food wise. I'm trying to stick to something semi-resembling normal.

Breakfast:
    1C Special K Strawberry
    1/2 C Fiber 1
    2/3 C Soymilk

Snack
    1 of the packet of two Kashi Pumpkin Spice Flax Granola Bars

Lunch
    Turkey Sandwich:
    2 pieces light wheat bread
    3 slices deli turkey
    1T. FF Mayo
    2t. Yellow Mustard
    1 Slice FF Cheese

    1 Fat free yogurt
    1 Light String Cheese
    3/4 C. Baby Carrots

Day one is over. It wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. Uncomfortable as hell, but not too bad.

I really like the other patients. They're really nice and normal-seeming. It's weird how we're all coming together solely based on being completely fucked up. They're the kind of people I would have been friends with in college. We would have sat around eating pizza and giggling, instead of sitting around eating pizza and crying. We would have discussed our significant others with love, and a gossipy undertone, rather than with love and undertone of fear that some day soon, they'll get sick of our bullshit and walk out. Or that we'll die before ever realizing our dreams with that person.

The staff is also great. Our nutritionist is really young and has a history of ED as well. So she relates to us far better than I imagined she would.

Dinner is going to be an adventure, so to speak. In one night, I had to eat some of my most feared foods: white bread, butter, full-fat dressing, lasagna. I don't know what it is about lasagna. Maybe it's the layers. They hide grease pools, I think. And today, my stomach is on strike. Too many carbs without purging equals an unhappy day in the bathroom.

But like I said, it wasn't too bad. There's a lot of terminology I find both amusing and intimidating: Symptom reduction, symptom use, mindful eating, intuitive eating...All things I've never been able to handle. But it's a process, I suppose, and I'll get used to it eventually. The nicest thing of all this, is that doing IOP fro 4:30-7:30 really interrupts my b/p schedule. Right after work is the WORST for me, and simply not being home to indulge is going to be really helpful I think.

Ok, just wanted to update and let you all know how it's going!

They won't let me blot my pizza in IOP and it makes me FURIOUS!!!! I DON'T LIKE GREASE! I'VE NEVER LIKED GREASE!! The huge pools of yellow, liquid fat shimmering on my pizza makes me gag. And involuntarily, at that. I haven't eaten unblotted pizza in like seven years.

And milk. I have to drink milk. I hate milk. It also makes me gag. Only skim milk if it's ICE cold and I can drink it with gooey chocolate chip cookies.

What the fuck have I gotten into?

Help's not coming fast enough. Three weeks until the next appointment and I'm fast spiraling downwards. Not suicidal or anything, just keep thinking it would be so nice to not have to deal with any of this anymore. Sigh. I hate myself, my lack of energy, my inability to work, concentrate, sleep, do anything other than stuff my face three or four times a day and spew it back up.I look in the mirror and all I feel is this vile, loathing for the pale, insipid reflection peering back at me. The last two days...wake up, do actual work or go to appointments for a few hours, go home, binge, purge, nap, wake up, binge, purge, cry, binge, purge, take laxies, go find the boy to help pick up the pieces, rinse, repeat

My head screams at god to leave me alone. Let me be, let me have a moments rest from the cacophony reverberating in my brain. Ears stuffed with cotton, outside drowning, dim, inside flashes crimson, wailing screaming sirens of hate, despair...

Silence. I crave a moment of silence. A moment to let the inner workings rest. Briefly. Let me recharge for just an instant if only to make those hours upon hours of shrieking static semi-bearable.

I'm tired. I'm so close to help...so close. But I don't know if I can hang on until it arrives. I'm just so fucking tired.

One of my coworkers just scored a bunch of free t-shirts from one of our schools. He was asking what size I wanted. I said probably a medium. He thought about it for a second, then said "I'll get you a small. That's what I got my girlfriend and it fits her perfectly. You two are the same size."

Ever since I met her, I've been jealous of her...she's really thin, really nice body. It completely threw me when he said that she and I were the same size. It's not even possible. There's no way in hell that shirt is going to fit.

I felt kind of good about myself for a few moments, though.

Still fucking stuck at this weight. What the hell. I keep wondering if my scale is broken. Don't flatter yourself, fat ass. It's not broken--you are.

I hate getting my period...though it explains the five pound weight gain this week. Hopefully now the bloating will go down, and I'll be back at a normal (more normal) weight for me.

I go in for my intake appointment next Wednesday. I'd like to weigh 125 by that point. I think it's a reasonable goal in a short amount of time. Well, physically at least. Mentally that's total horse shit. Here I am, in the process of getting help, and all I can think about is getting as sick as earthly possible by the time I go. I don't know what the hell is wrong with me. It's like my last ditch effort to make sure they believe, without a doubt, that I'm sick.

I was there yesterday, at the clinic, taking my assessment, and in walk a whole group of what I HAVE to assume were anoretics walk in. I felt like the biggest, fattest piece of crap ever. All tall, beautiful, thin...and I know they're sick. I know that logically the LAST THING IN THE FUCKING WORLD I should do is envy them. And yet, there I was, wishing beyond wish that I could be as thin as they were. Example number 38400 why I NEED HELP!!!! And why I am getting help.

Yesterday: 1/2 of a salad with 1/2 grilled chicken breast, and less than 1 T. of low fat garlic dressing
                     3/4 C. Special K with 1/2 C. FF Vanilla Soy Milk
                   
Today: 1/2 C. Special K, 1/4 C. Fiber One, 1/2 C. FF Vanilla Soy Milk
             1 Slimfast Meal Bar (cut into 8 pieces, eaten every hour on the hour)
            

I don't know when I turned into such a coffee addict,  but I am now. Too much coffee today. I'm jittery as hell and my tummy hurts. Damn caffeine, why must I love you so?!

I'm out of town for work, and there's not a scale to be found. It's driving me crazy. I hate not knowing if I've gained weight or not. I'm sure I did after this weekend. The boy took me out for Valentines Day and it was the epitome of decadence! A fantastic time and I didn't purge at all, but I ate like crazy.


So I'm trying to eat pretty well to make up for this weekend. If only I could stop twitching from all the damn caffeine!!!!

Still no word from the Emily Program. Grrr.

Let the lettuce and green pepper fiesta begin!

I'm finally in the 120's. 128 to be exact. Granted that I doubt I'll stay there for long...I've been restricting lately, so I know it's almost all water weight. But for today, I'm pleased.

Bloodwork is normal...I don't know whether to be pleased or not. However, my doctor did mention that sometimes the body draws from other sources, so I had more bloodwork done to see how my reserves were doing. Mainly calcium to see if my body is drawing from the bones. So now I get to wait on that.

The program looks like a go, as soon as they can get me in for an assessment. There's a bit of a wait, but it shouldn't be too terrible. The woman I need to talk to is on vacation until Tuesday, but I already left her a message. Hopefully they'll get the initial assessment done soon, then I can just try and hang in there for awhile.

Now I'm on prozac. Good times. :(

I'm having one of those days where I feel "sicker" than usual...I don't know why. Maybe it was the restricting yesterday, maybe it's the knowledge that I may be getting treatment soon. I don't know. There's this part of me that wants to get as sick as earthly possible before I do get help. That's deranged, and I know it, but I can't help it. I'm just so afraid that no one is going to believe me. The days pass and I haven't heard back on the referral to the Emily Program...I start getting paranoid that my doctor forgot about me or doesn't actually believe me. My resolve is waning. Maybe I'm not really that sick...maybe I don't need a program like that...maybe there's just something wrong with me that I can't just solve this on my own. Maybe I'm just a big whiner with a weight problem. I'm not thin, I'm not underweight, I'm just fucked up.

It's days like today when I wish I was flat out anorexic. Then my eating disorder would be more apparent, and I would feel more...legitimate. That's what it is. I feel like my eating disorder is illegitimate because I'm not underweight, and I don't look sick. It's all about appearances...it always has been. Possibly always will be.

I'm stuck on this stupid plateau, this stupid weight that just won't budge. So here I sit, drinking enough black coffee to fully caffeinate a Rugby team, I left my lunch at home on accident, and I don't know what to do. It's a dilemma. It's always a dilemma. Do I run home and get it, thus eating today? Or do I leave it and truly restrict today? I had my breakfast earlier...2 benefiber tablets, a halt cup of fiber one cereal mixed with 3/4 cup of Special K vanilla almond and a half cup of FF Vanilla Soy. That's about 216 calories. Stupid benefiber has calories. Grr.

What happened to my rationality? I know that looking sick and being sick are not mutually exclusive. I know that I could keel over dead right now due to an electrolyte imbalance or heart problem without ever looking ill. I know that my mind set, my actions etc. are completely disordered and need to be dealt with. So why am I so freaking hung up on appearance?

Because best I can tell, it's the nature of this beast called bulimia.

Sometimes I feel like such a lost little girl. I'm 22 years old, and I don't want to be this age. I want to redo so much in my life! Make more friends, not worry so much, join more clubs...I feel like so much has been lost to this disease. But I don't know how to let go...I'm so utterly terrified that getting help is going to equal getting fat.

Since when was being thin more important than being respected?

I've lost all my self respect...purging in garbage cans, sinks, toilets...boxes, cans, scraps of food, dirty dishes litter my kitchen. I'm drowning in the mire of responsibility, and the only thing I'm any good at anymore is eating and spewing.

My throat hurts constantly. I smell like throw up. My apartment smells like throw up. The boy got to see the immediate aftermath of my bping ridiculousness (complete with a full view of the puke in the garbage can). I can barely get out of bed. I hate this. I hate who I've become. I hate me.

At least I'm starting to work on getting help. I guess it could be worse...

So, I'm keeping up on the journal--being really honest, documenting all my bp's, etc. along with my workout schedule, etc. I've even been honest about my feelings as I'm eating. Example day:

1/23
Breakfast: 3/4 C. Oh's w/ff vanilla soy milk
-wanted to make sure I ate some breakfast before running out the door, mainly to help stave off munchies until later in the morning.

Snack: 1 carton ff apple pie yogurt
-stressful meeting, feeling inept, had to eat something

Lunch: 3oz. pouch of chunk lite tuna mixed with yellow mustard
-seemed like lunchtime to me!

1whole wheat tortilla w/1/3 wedge lite laughing cow
-still munchy after lunch

blah blah blah

Binge:
2 McDonalds Cheeseburgers
1 Med. order fries
small reeses McFlurry
1 sandwich roll dipped in olive oil
1 tortilla w/1 slice of cheddar cheese
1 C. Terryaki Noodles
1 Hawaiin Roll
1 Special K Meal replacement bar
PURGE

-I think I was mainly feeling guilty and worried because I got absolutely nothing accomplished at work. I felt worthless and stupid, like I had nothing to contribute. It also didn't help that I was really obsessing over food today--looking at recipes, etc.
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________
But, I have been weighing myself, and it's killing me a little. I see my weight creeping up and I'm freaking out. I just keep trying to tell myself, "Don't worry--wait until you see the measurements next month." but it isn't helping. I really am building muscle, but I flexed for my mom yesterday and she told me I'd better not get much bigger. I was starting to get body builder arms. Looked in the mirror, and damned if she isn't right. Stupid short limbs. They don't elongate the muscle.I look fine so long as I don't flex, but man! I look kind of creepy when I do.

I JUST CAN'T WIN!!!!!

Ok, so I'm trying an experiment. We'll see how it works.

1.) Weigh myself only once a week instead of daily or more.
2.) Start doing strength training 3xs/week along with regular cardio
3.) Measure myself once a month (waist, hips, upper arm, thigh)
4.) Keep a food log WITHOUT counting calories. No lying, all the food I eat...binges and normal meals, snacks, bites throughout the day. Instead of calories, I'm logging how I'm feeling at that time.

This isn't me trying to "cure myself." I know that won't work. I need therapy if I want to be free of this. But this is a way for me to try and take a step back from the scale and get more "in touch" with my feelings in regards to food. I want to see what patterns emerge. The focus will be (obviously) feelings and progress in areas beyond the scale. I want to look good. I want to feel good. But I'm sick and tired of my whole day being dictated by what that fucking scale says.

I may be setting myself up for failure here, but it's worth a shot. The hardest part will be making sure the journal reflects and doesn't dictate my daily eating habits, ie if I look through my day and feel I've "overeaten" to not restrict as a result.

Random notes:
1.) I looked back and since the end of last February I've lost 7.5" from my waist, 4" from my arms, 7" from my hips, and 5" from my thighs. THAT'S A LOT OF INCHES!!!!

I'm really getting close to the 36-24-36 thing. 4 more inches from the waist and 2 from the hips---I'm a curvy little bitch, ain't I!

2.) I bought my first two piece bathing suit in...a looong time, let's just say. I'm terrified to wear it! I keep thinking I might return it. I'm a total chicken shit.

Today I have vowed to eat like a normal human being. No BP, no restricting, just eat normal, healthy foods.

The plan:
Breakfast was my "egg McMuffin":
1/2 lowfat english muffin (50)
1 veggie sausage patty (80)
1/4 C. Egg Beaters (30)
1 slice ff cheese (30)
=190

Snack:
1 small whole wheat tortilla (50)
1 wedge lite laughing cow cheese (45)
=95

Lunch:
Mixed Greens (10?)
1 small handful of almonds (75?)
1 small handful of dried cranberries (100?)
2 T. Crumbled Feta (50?)
1 slice of turkey, shredded (10)
2 T Cranberry Balsamic Vinegerette (30)
1 pack natural applesauce (45)
=320

Snack
1Slimfast snack bar (120)
=120

Dinner
I C, Pasta with pesto (300???)
Mixed greens (10)
FF Italian Dressing (15)
French bread (100)
=425

TOTAL
1150

It seems like so much--already I'm thinking of things I could cut out to lower the caloric count. Why does my mind work like this?! I know the answer to that, but sometimes I seriously just want to kick my own ass.

Three little words, but oh so deadly:

GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!!!!!!

I can already taste the thin mints, the samoas (or whatever they're called nowadays) the tag-a-longs.....crushed over ice cream and smothered in hot fudge.

I think I can honestly say that I am capable of beating up a girl scout for those glorious cookies if they passed me at the wrong time. Well, wrong time for them, right time for me. God, couldn't you just see it...me holding up a girl scout. "Give me your cookies, or I'll cut you!"